28

A Letter to Myself

I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to still make big mistakes down the road. 

Part of me is hurt that I am no longer the young girl that I once was. But part of me is relieved that it could only get better from here. 

This past year hasn’t been easy at all. 

While it was easy to say, “I’m good!”, when someone asked me about my day, I was never okay. 

I guess it’s a new kind of grief I had to learn to live with in life and reality eventually. 

I was angry at the world every single day…And that changed me. 

Would 18-year-old me have guessed that I would become this way? Will 38-year-old me see this stage of my life with kinder eyes?

Maybe I am blessed to have become so jaded now. A woman in her late twenties….There are younger kids who experienced life worse than mine. 

But, 28 is still young, right? A good, new friend of mine told me that at least I’m learning the hard life lessons now. 

I paused all of my dreams and aspirations at the time, while fixing problems I couldn’t control. To be transparent, I’m not brave enough to share what happened to me. In fact, I don’t owe it to anyone to share. But I felt like I experienced the entire spectrum of negative emotions. 

I’ve been betrayed; I cried; I’ve begged on my knees; I crawled on the floor; I said bad things I never meant; I said bad things I meant. I’ve been strong enough to lean on my friends, but scared to lean on others. When I thought I could stand up, I was knocked down again. 

I screamed while my world ignored me. 

But fortunately, I wasn’t physically hurt. 

Mentally, I was at my worst, but…I’ve become a more resilient person. 

It made me realize most of my problems in life seemed so…trivial now. Not to invalidate my own feelings, but when I was depressed in my early and mid-twenties for other reasons, my problems back then weren’t this rough. (I’m also kidding about this; life experiences are fresher when you’re younger.) 

Still, there are many things I am grateful for this past year. 

I fell in love and partnered with a man who comforted me. I found a new job that treats me well and gives me the mental space I need away from home. And I learned who I should rely on and who I shouldn’t. 

I’m also thankful that I haven’t changed too much. Some people will go down a dark path and completely change their morals. But I want to remain the good and kind person I am. (Just because shit happens to you, doesn’t mean you need to forward it onto someone else.)

I’m not chasing down auditions like I used to…but my dream hasn’t changed. I would rather make my own opportunities in this oversaturated world. 

Some day, I will wear the most beautiful gown on a big stage in front of a large crowd. And as I finish my thank-you speech, the audience will give me a standing ovation. 

This is the dream that is keeping me going. 

So, let me make this clear on my 28th birthday: my depression cannot win. 

As my closest friend always reminds me, just take it one day at a time.